VANtastically 30!!!!!

Lets talk for a second about the impending doom approaching in January!!
                                                       I am going to be 30!!!!

Now some of you might think that 30 isn't all that old!! I am here to tell you...IT IS!!! I have popped out 3 kids and broke down and bought a van!! That makes me old and SO NOT COOL!!! I can't roll down the street in my van sportin 3 kids and look cool!! I no longer can jam out to cool music at a loud obnoxious volume as I have once long ago!

Nothing about the above picture says I AM COOL!!! Sad really but alas it is my reality and I must face it!! So instead of saving for vacation I must turn to saving for a retirement home!
Lets take a gander at my downhill spiral into old lady hood shall we.....
I have started the process of locating a good retirement home that will fit my unwealthy poor needs! Understand something, I had 3 kids in the hopes that I would not have to live in a 2 story Cheerio box on Park Ave. So aside from said Cheerio box listed below I have 2 other prospects...and they are as follows.. 
Prospect number 1.

Minor Adjustments??? Hmmm??? Nothing says I am retired and OLD than a makeshift log cabin in the thick of the Alaskan jungle!! Not the way I want to go out... If the house collapsing on me doesn't kill, a bear will!
Prospect number 2:

Said Cheerio box.... Though not 2 stories as I cannot or will not be able to afford a second floor!! Hell I prolly will be wheelchair bound from breaking a hip and unable to walk up stairs....
And Prospect number 3:

Under a bridge!!! This is not ideal of course but with Social Security said to be tapped by the time I am of legal age to obtain it! This will prolly be my home!!

Hey but don't feel bad for me... By that time we will all be living under a bridge!!!  I hope you see how I am feeling about turning 30!
OK...moving on... now that I have 3 prospective locations to house my poor pathetic excuse for a 30 year old...lets move on to the amenities that these locations must possess...
Number 1:
Said locations must have a rockin group of stellar neighbors! Take this group for example!

Don't they look like a blast to be around????
Amenity number 2:
Said location must have a Wii gaming system.... I need to be able to fall and break a hip in style and what better way to do that than boxing like Mike Tyson on a Sunday afternoon

So now that we have talked amenities.... lets talk food!
Yes FOOD!!! Every blog of mine will in someway or another resort back to food! Now that I am old I can no longer eat the amazing cheeseburger that I have spoken so highly of in past post! So instead of cheeseburgers.... I will be trading it in for.....

Yup that's right you guessed it... apple sauce! Remember again I will be old thus not able to afford teeth! Every great retirement home should stock the finest of applesauce for us poor toothless old farts!

Feeling sorry for me yet....? No??? Well too bad I feel sorry for myself enough for all of us! There you have it folks.... No SS.... No income....No home, well maybe a home.... I will just have to start fashioning one together now in the hopes that it will be done by the time my children graduate...No teeth and a bunch of old people sittin around in wheelchairs drooling on themselves in a random hallway!
AND it all started when I bought a van!!!!
Happy Birthday to me!!

~My favorites in life

 I would like to start this off like an Oprah 'MY FAVORITE THINGS' episode or something of the like~
You see every year Oprah airs an episode of ridiculous likes and then gives it away to her audience! The only difference...ya ain't gettin sh*t from me... Not because I don't like you...not because we live miles apart and shipping is ridiculous and certainly not because you're not gangter enough... Its all because I am broke and have no money to share these wonderful bits with you! Remember you are reading a SAHM blog which should indicate to you that I have no job...which means no income!!!
I would secondly like to share this wonderful clip from the ever so clever Dane Cook to show you just how ridiculous Oprah is on her Favorite Things episode... Then I will move on to my favorite things...mmmmmk!

*Warning contains the F-word and a few other naughty words!!
My Favorite things:

1. First and foremost: V-Neck white t-shirts!! Men's small washed in HOT water to shrink because my sh*t is little!! You ever look in your closet and ask yourself this question: WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO WEAR TODAY?? You do?? Well you are in luck for a less than $10 you too can be the proud owner of 5 V-neck t-shirts! Fashion crisis OVER....Your welcome!!

2. Adidas tennis shoes!! Yes!!! These are by far the most gangster of all gangster attire that I own!!! What better way to start off your adventure then in a pair of OSM Adidas! When I put on a pair I saying 'WORLD LOOK AT ME.... I am not just a mom but a COOL mom!' Well sort of...  

3. Chocolate Milk!! Yes I know its not really a thing but its AHHHMAZING!! When you are bored and have nothing else to do with your time why NOT make a nice tall glass of chocolate milk?? I mean think about it... its better to have a chocolate milk addiction than to have crack addiction or a shopping addiction!! I would rather shoot chocolate milk...just keepin it real!

4. Now this one is not really a thing but a person and she just happens to be one of the nicest persons I know!! Now understand that I cannot give her away like say Oprah would but I can share her with you!! Well I can share a little as I failed that part of kindergarten! I am still learning how to share! Her name is..... Really???? Did you honestly think I was going to divulge her name and all her precious info?? What kind of friend would I be to put that on a public blog!!!??? COME ON PEOPLE :P

5.CHEESEBURGERS!! Anyone who knows me knows that I have severe love for CHEESEBURGERS!! What can I say? When I am having a down and out day and my children are misbehaving I crave a CHEESEBURGER!! YUP my GO-TO COMFORT FOOD!!! You must understand something... I cannot eat a homemade one that someone has bbqed on the grill!! That will not suffice!! I must have one from any local fast food chain and I don't care where it is!! Gross you say oh but I say YUMMMMMM!

6. Gucci RUSH perfume!!!! Sounds all high-end and junk but trust me ITS NOT!! Yes it has the Gucci name fashioned to it little square bottle but rest assure it is not as cool but just as expensive as say Beyonces crap she stores and sells!!! $75 can get you 6 months to a years worth(if you only spray once and keep out of reach of little 2 year old girls)of OSM smelling power!

7.Fabreeze!! I spoke of Fabreeze in my earlier blogs and the way cool power it has to make your house smell clean when its not!!! I don't need to explain any further because well the smell explains itself!!

8. Ani Defranco!!! I love her music!! But you ask WHO IS ANI?? ANI DEWHO!!?? Ani Defranco!!! Her music is very ummmm..... well just plain cool!!! I don't get to listen to her much as my husband can't stand her! So out of respect I do not listen to her in his presence but when he is not around and the children permit I PUT HER ON AND DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING! I sing when I know I can't sing but do not care because she deserves to be sung aloud!

9. Drop Dead Fred!!! AGAIN WHO YOU ASK??? Well its a movie from I am sure the 80's! I wish I had a Fred when I was younger maybe my childhood when have been a little more fun! But alas I did not and had to live vicariously through this movie!

And lastly NUMBER 10: Of course I will be ending this with yet another food like!!! I just simply love food!!!
I Heart BACON!!! I can eat alone, on a cheeseburger, over salad, on a donut or just by itself!! The love I feel for this amazing food is HUGE!! If we could be friends we would and I would invite my said friend over for breakfast lunch and dinner!! Sadly if I did this I would surely die of a heart attack in a matter of years maybe even days... So I steer clear and have it for special occasions such as the occasional breakfast... maybe birthdays...anniversary's...etc...

Well there you have it folks, some of my likes. Now this list is not complete as my likes are HUGE! Also you must remember as I stated in the very beginning I am not Oprah and will not be giving any of these Likes out to you but rather just share them in hopes to give you a little glimpse of who I am!
Again*posting without reading as my OCD will kick in and I will have to retype the 'Hole in Tire' post*
Enjoy!

10 Secrets to cleaning your house without really cleaning!!

Lets discuss a second this very important topic!
Setting the stage...

Its the morning and my children or your children or your dog cat bird etc.... are up and running amuck! Before you know it your house has the mark of a disaster zone!!! A tornado...a hurricane... a typhoon....an earthquake!! You know those days!! You are tired and sleep deprived for whatever reason and do not have the desire to clean however, you know that if you don't do something your significant other will come home and ask the dreaded question:'WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO ALL DAY?'

Well here is what you can do to prevent that from occurring!

1. Wait till about an hour before he/she comes home!

 Now you must move quickly otherwise my advice will not work!

2. If you have laundry in the dryer that is in need of folding, give it the finger and restart it! This always works! Your spouse will think you have been hard at work on laundry!

3. If there are dishes in the sink and you have a dishwasher....LOAD IT!! I know this seems like common sense but understand ITS NOT!! No one likes to load anything let alone the dishwasher! I promise you this will be the most work thus far!

4. The Bathroom!! Ick no one likes to clean the bathroom. So here is what I propose. Dump some bleach in the toilet! Spray a whole lotta cleaner in the bathtub and wipe the faucet! This will give the look of HI I AM CLEAN!

5. Counters!! If you have crap on counters tables endtables etc.... Pick it all up and PICK A DRAWER!! Any drawer will do!! THEN DUMP AND SHUT!

6. For the rest of your crap you have lying around, pick a closet and START SHOVING! 9 times out of 10 your spouse will not even care to look over your work as they are tired from their long day of work!

7. Sweeping/vacuuming: I hate to sweep but really I hate to pick up what I have swept so in a pinch I open the backdoor and sweep everything onto the back porch! Quick and easy!

oh and if you have carpet just run the vacuum 2-3 times over the carpet to give the look of I VACUUMED!!

8. SHUT ALL THE BEDROOM DOORS AND DO NOT OPEN THEM!! This will give you the feeling of AWE ALL IS WELL IN THE OTHER ROOMS even though they are a wreck. The spouse again will not care to look until bedtime! At the time he/she will be too tired to jump your sh*t for not making the beds!

9. FABREEZE!!! This is a very important step!! FABREEZE will be your friend in a pinch, promise! Walk through the entire house and FABREEZE the hell out of it! This gives off the AWE SO FRESH AND SO CLEAN feeling!

If you are still with me congratulations!! You have successfully cleaned your house without cleaning! You are probably wondering what #10 is??? This is the final step to cleaning without cleaning and that is:

10.

Pour yourself a great big glass of wine.... YOU DESERVE IT!! Cleaning is hard work and you should be proud! You are a STAR SPOUSE and deserve a break!
This post brought to you by the mom who is tired and well TIRED!!
*warning I type and spellcheck quickly and do not read over it as my OCD will kick in and I will retype the 'HOLE IN TIRE' post! I am responsible for all typing errors and do not care if they are right or wrong* Just understand that I am owning it, that is all! Enjoy!

Condiments!!!

My name.... my name is Tina, some refer to me as mom...mommy...hey you.... Weeks....and the list goes on! Very rarely am I referred to as Tina! My point call me watch you like! I have 3 insanely crazy children who listen to nothing their mother tells them but I love them all the same!!
I am also married and have been for 11 years well really 8 but I like to say 11!! Jeff is my husband and he is smart, nough said!
For my first entry I would like to talk about my love for Tapatio! I know random but its an important random!! You see I love food but more importantly I love what I can put on my food!

 I put it on virtually everything!!! French fries, burgers, steak, you name it I do it!!!

My second love....

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love sour cream...not just any DAISY!!! Pure & Natural!!!! NOM NOM NOM!!!
But you see there is a problem with loving these 2 items..... that is.... I CANNOT EAT THEM TOGETHER! This makes me very sad! The 2 cancel each other out! The hot sauce is no longer hot and the sour cream well just not as good.  I must be very wise in my choosing!! Do I want the warm goodness of Tapatio to enhance my meal or the cold creaminess of Daisy sour cream???
That is all!!
And yes I just blogged about condiments! This is very important and someone has to blog about it! Who better to do it then ME!
So remember me the next time you use a dollop of Daisy or a dash of Tapatio!